How to be a Blog Bimbo

Following are some tips to successfully become a blog bimbo.

Choosing your Blog Name:

1) Name your blog after your name. This tells the readers that you are an open book, and you have nothing to hide. This also inspires prospective matrimony seekers, to leave comments like, “Beautiful name!”, or” is this your real name? Wow!!”, or “ I always wanted to know someone by that name, and there you are! Unbelievable!”
2) If you are feeling a little shy, leave out the real name. Be adventurous, and think of cute names like “Pyara Dost”,or “Misthi Dohi”, or chamakta sitara”. This will send out the message that you are chilled out, and are easy going.

Blog Header:

Call it your shrine! Make a declaration. Start with a phrase like “ These are my personal memoirs, and I’d like to share them with you people. I know that there is a “chamakta sitara” in every one of you.” DO NOT forget to mention, that you are writing it for yourself, and its like a therapy to you, AND that you DO have a life beyond blogging. Believe it or not, people DO take it seriously.

Layout:

Decorate your page, by putting up a billion pictures all over. Leave no corner untouched!! Afterall, it IS your personal space, and the blog-host is paying for it, not you! You can try any of these combinations: Winnie the pooh, Mickey Mouse, Tarzan, Jack the ripper, or Archie, Lovebirds, Waterfalls, or meadows. Or all of them together. Leave all these pictures unoptimized, you WANT the page to take time to load. The longer it takes, the better the intrigue. What you write, will always come later.

Links:

1) Now this, has to be a LONG list. The reader should be able to scroll down to the entire length of the page, and the list should still be going on. This will show that you have been a busy bee, and you have read ALL, who really matter. The reader will be awe-struck.
2) Finding the links is no rocket science. Just visit the blogs under the “HOT” category, and copy all the links these poor buggers have put them on their respective pages. This might also include somebody’s personal family picture homepage, or the New York Philharmonic website, but that really doesn’t matter. No one will ask questions, they’ll just believe that you have a wide intrest.
3) Try and find out the first names and locations of these bloggers, and link them by those names. This gives the listing a “personal” touch. It also makes sure that these poor shmucks visit your blog atleast once a week. Believe in numbers!

Tag Board:

1) Let them see your wackier side. Name it something like “deep-throat”, or “mouth to mouth”, or “Tongue me”. The perfect seductress.
2) Flood the tagboard under your own name. Plead innocence and tell them all that you can’t see your own messages. Soon, it will be flooded with “hi’s” and ‘hellos” from these unsuspecting bastards.

Golden Tip: If you are low on imagination, fear not. You are a wannabe blog-bimbo for nothing!? Eventually, some hobgoblin will confess his undying love for you, and design it all by himself. Patience, child.

Content:

a) Since you have already declared you are an open book, and you have nothing to hide, and life has been nothing, but a sea of pain, writing comes naturally to you. You, and no one else is the master of this art. It is a mere extension of the excruciating thoughts which torment your brain. Naturally, by writing, you are venting it all out, AND sharing it with a zillion like-minded people. Keep in mind, that you are basically reaching out to them, and touching them – in places they still have to discover!
b) The first blog entry should be – has to be a complete bio-data of yourself. Your name, your age, your qualifications, the name and location of your workplace, and the position you hold- you have earned it the hardest possible way, and THEY have to know, exactly how. This also does not leave any doubts about your honesty and modesty.
c) Hit those trustful buggers with the memoirs of your traumatic childhood. Drunkard parents, WHAT you wore on your first day of school ( that is VERY important) –and how you were teased about it to the point that you peed in the classroom, how the classmates envied you because you were the prettiest of them all (A MUST!!) , and the time when they pasted a “kick me, I am a bimbo” sticker on your backside. Leave nothing. Every small little revelation will earn you an amulet of sympathy. Generous use of words like “ cried”, ‘tears”, “sad”, “hurt”, “pain”, and “heartbroken” is encouraged.
d) List the names of all your past and present lovers/boyfriends, and how you met each one of them. The list can go from 6 to 69. The names should be chronologically arranged. You can also put in subtle details about time spent with each. No, it dosen’t tell the readers how promiscuous you are, it just merely confirms the fact that you are a large hearted bimbo.
e) SEX!! Write in harrowing details about when, where, and how! Won’t the readers just love it? Home-grown porn, and totally legal!! And free!! Feel free to draw inspirations from Mills&Boons, and nancy Friday. Sex sells- you have been there, and done it all! The page hits will quadruple in a coupla hours.
f) You are a gentle, loving soul, and you love everyone equally, unconditionally. Dammit, you even love those who wronged you! Make such posts interactive : exhort the readers to forgive the culprits. The response will astonish you! After the first few shocked and anguished remarks, they will whimper, and finally give in- afterall, they belong to the same pain-clan as you.

Your content is all set. Well, more or less. Now lets sprinkle it with some some useful details, and make this post a smash hit!

i) When did you go to potty, and what did you discover there. You were brushing with close-up at the same time.
ii) You spilled milk on the kitchen slab, and its drying. You’ll scrap the shavings when you have time. (Milk powder is a weakness)
iii) Your cell battery is wasted. You are going to buy a new one. Name the shop and location.
iv) Neighbour’s dog- always black, and always a Labrador.And yes, he/she hates you. She was sleeping today. She did not bark.
v) The money you paid in the bus, the grocery store, and Wrigley’s chewing gum. Every paisa.
vi) Detailed description of what you were wearing today.

Comments Section:

You have nothing much to worry about here, really. Its more or less automated. The admirers will be competing for the biggest” muuuuuuuuuah’s” and the largest “huuuuuuuuuugs”. All you have to do is muuuuah and huuug back. For all the other thankless, obnoxious bastards, the delete button is thoughtfully provided.

!!Important!!

Keep a “I- am- disturbed-I-don’t-want-to-write post ready. Post it every three weeks, and declare that you are gonna disappear for good. Wait for the comments section to fill up with atleast 15 “No!!!”, and “Come back!!!”, and “You can’t do this to me, I just started to read you” type of commets. Put a comeback post the very next day. Intrigue is you. You overcame your weaknesses, yet again. Bravo!


Congratulations! You have successfully completed the short term course! You go girl!! Kill ‘em all!!!